If You Keep Getting in Bad Relationships…look at YOU ......If You Keep Getting Hurt...look at YOU

You don’t need to spend money on books or join mailing list or websites to be happy. You don’t need anyone else to be happy. What you need is right inside you. It always has been. Sometimes people are afraid to reach out and grab it out of fear. But it is there.

Hurt people continue a cycle of self abuse until they learn to love themselves. Until they realize they are entitled to respect because they give it to themselves.

Emotionally hurt people do and can walk around and function fine. They smile, laugh and never stand out in a crowd.

Just as there are functioning crackheads, alcoholics, sex and gambling addicts, there are the walking emotional wounded. The ones that carry the invisible wounds. The wounds you cannot see.

Many times you have one and don’t even know until it is too late. Hurt people hurt other people many times without intending to. Loving someone who has been hurt can be hurtful…Especially if they haven’t healed or you run into it with an expectation of “fixing” them.

There is the rescuer syndrome, you think you can help everyone. Some have great intentions but most times you get hurt because the other person is still carrying that burden in the heart. It is scary and confusing at times. The wounded can also be a target if they never learn the lesson from the past.

I have been called mean, confused, scared and many more descriptive names since I have tried dating since leaving my marriage.

When I left in May 2013, it was fast and smooth. I had friends and family that got me out of there within hours. Phone number and address changed and divorce filed, I was away and safe.

Since then I have had so much time to reflect, not on someone else, but me. Last night I finally decided to attend a Alanon meeting, though his drug of choice was crack, I thought why not? I am a survivor of a substance abuser.

As fast as I moved physically, with all my heartfelt determination, I began to do so also mentality. I am a woman of strength, I thought, I can do this.

Today I see jumping in right away I was using the same tactics of coping with pain as I always have, AVIODANCE. If I walked away or shut the door, it or they didn’t exist.

 I was not a survivor, but like an addict who pretended there were no after effects. I functioned fine on the outside but on the inside was a private little turmoil between my heart and head.

Avoidance….I was so good at it because I dislike disharmony. I don’t like the arguing, fussing and fighting. The problem is I didn’t confront ME head on, so it never truly left. There was left over anger I never addressed.

I unintentionally and many times intentionally would automatically slow down or cease communication anytime I felt close to someone. Sometimes yes, it was fear. Most often it was because I had developed boundaries and I stood by them. No exceptions to the rule.

I took charge of my life…my future

I confronted ME!!! I confronted my own behavior. I cannot control anyone but me. Never focusing on what he did but what I allowed. I had a choice. The only person I can change is ME!

Today, I have very good radar. My triggers are not perceived as a negative anymore. My triggers are a huge positive and have empowered me. They are the red flags I have always ignored or made excuses for.

You see I have developed and become aware of two major triggers that cause me to act and react in the same manner as my past.

Anger and Deceit. I will never allow either one in my life again. When I have facts of either, I make no excuses. I use to believe the tears, pleading and begging. I use to believe the lies and believe they wanted what I did, isn’t that what they SAY to me?

Victims remain victims when they see the signs and they have the facts yet they condone them by ignoring or allowing them.

Survivors, real survivors, see the signs and take appropriate action. You can keep them as an acquaintance or associate but you now know WHO they are. You see the smooth charismatic personality, but you become keenly aware of the character of the person.

So if I get hurt again…it will never be for the same reason. It won’t be because I allowed someone of bad character into my world.

When a man tells how screwed up I am…I smile and know it is because they realize I have boundaries. They know I have learned from my past. I refuse to allow the same pattern to continue.

Nothing will ever change if I keep doing the same old thing. Oh yes, it is I that controls what and who I allow in my little world. ME!!  I have the right to healthy emotional boundaries.

Keep only those close to you that respect himself or herself. Yes that includes friends as well as a romantic relationship.

I may not know who I need or want at this point in my life…But I definitely know what I don’t need or want.

That is what empowers me today. I love ME!! I respect ME!!

Never will I allow someone to say something and expect me to believe it, when his or her actions are a direct contradiction. No guilty relationships and no feeling obligated to anyone that does not have my best interest at heart. No room for selfish one sided relationships.

At 52, I am the best person I have ever been and will only make room for and keep positive people. Lessons are all around us. We just have to pay attention or be doomed to keep repeating the same thing over again.

Mistakes are ok..but when one does it over and over again, it is not a mistake…..Now you have made it your way of life. So when your ex tells you you will never find another like them. Tell them, "That is the point!"

Menopause, Menstrual, Mental Illness....Who should own the prefix?

In keeping with the memory of my father, I would like to share something. There is a joke going around that implies all of womens problems begin with men:

Menopause

Menstrual,

Mental Illness, etc 

Fact is none of these belong to a man. A woman has to own them. 

Looking at biblical scriptures it was Eve that made the decision to eat the apple, not Adam. Maybe it is womens decisions do affect men. 

No one can be that selfish or self centered to blame everything on someone else. 

My father was a good man. A honorable man. He put family first. 

Then I married a man that had all the "standards" that most want in a man. He worked, paid bills and took care of home. I ignored his CHARACTER. Who is REALLY was. I allowed myself to be hoodwinked by the "good qualities". 

You see women have to be accountable for what they allow or cause. We also have to remember many times we follow in our parents footsteps. I followed my fathers. He allowed someone that had low self worth to abuse his daughter. He didn't know how to protect me and love her at the same time. 

I will always stand up for good man and hope that women begin to look at themselves. I was always protective of my dad, so today I refuse to hurt a good man. I would rather walk away if things aren't meant to be. I am not my mother. 

 I get personal emails from men that have been through allot from the hands of a woman. For most of them it began with their mother. 

Mothers that abused them.

Mothers that lied to them about their father.

Mothers that denied them access to the father or the father to them because of bitterness or self centeredness. 

Mothers that allow the son to talk down to her teaches him it is ok to disrespect a woman. 

Neighbors or relatives that raped them. Some would brag at 14 how that sexy 25yr taught them all there is to know about sex. So they grow up knowing how to rock a womans world physically but never connecting emotionally. Some never connect sex and love. 

Those whose mothers never encouraged them to work so they laid around the house while she worked, cleaned and cooked. Then when they looked for a woman, they insured they found one that allowed them to do the same. 

They had mothers who didn't allow them to cry or show emotion and told to man up so they grew up thinking it was wrong to be compassionate. 

Mothers that allow a man to come in and disrespect her, teaches the son it is ok to mistreat a woman 

If they werent the best in sports they were called whimps so they stopped being vulnerable ad stepping outside their comfort zone. 

A mother that does not protect her son 

As women we have so much power over young men. Yes it would probably be great if a father was in the picture but if he isn't that is no excuse for a young man not to grow up to be a real man. 

We also have to be compassionate and unselfish. Men also get raped . In the military though uncommon it happens. If it is hard for a woman to speak out imagine how a man feels. 

As a child, if his mother allowed a man to beat and belittle him, imagine how he felt. He was never protected by the one who was supposed to do it.  

No longer can a woman blame a man. A woman has got to learn good boundaries. A woman has got to be accountable for what she does to her children and allows. 

Let's stop the cycle of blaming one another. Fact is NO ONE can continue to do to any of us unless we allow it. 

So accept no less from someone else that you give. And be ready to give a good man what he deserves. And if you can't walk away.

Those no good men had mothers too.... 

Stop the cycle!